Spring fever is a difficult subject to write about since I am sitting in front of a warm fire trying to overcome the chill of a very cold Easter Sunday!  Mother Nature certainly played the ultimate April’s Fool joke on our state!

                Having survived fifty plus years of teaching students during their spring fever days, I have many emotions connected to this phrase.  Mostly, I think, “God, please help us to survive these last weeks of school since students and staff are beginning to suffer from spring fever.”   My husband and I have a small RV camper which we store on the school grounds where we can remind ourselves daily that we need to schedule some time away from the school and students.  He said our retirement years will pass quickly enough; thus, we must make time for rest and relaxation.  Well, we’ve used that camper maybe four times in the past year!  But he’s right…when you see your investment staring at you every day, you are prone to start scheduling some down time!

                Perhaps the hardest part of trying to teach during the spring fever days is bringing about connectivity in the minds of our students.  The whole year is almost gone, much information and skill has been carefully packed into the learning hours.  Now, we must carefully tie a knot in the thread of learning to hold the string of knowledge together in such a meaningful way that students will be able to take a summer break and then come back to school, unknot the thread and add more information and skills to their continuous line of knowledge.  This is not an easy task!

                Thank goodness for yearly academic achievement tests.  These nationally normed tests allow us a glimpse at that thread of learning for each child.  We can make comparisons and draw conclusions about learner needs and then plan for them accordingly.  In a way, what we are doing at this time of the year is not unlike what the birds are doing outside.  We are preparing the nest for our children.  If we do a good job of analysis, preparation and planning for student growth each year, we shall produce a fine citizen for our country!   

                                                                             -   Kay

Frustration

  My working definition of frustration is blocked progress.  The baby becomes frustrated when his hands won’t grab your necklace like he wants them to; the toddler is frustrated when you block his entry; and both show it with a little temper tantrum.  As we grow in age, we are expected to use our words to solve situations when frustration arises. 

   Over the years, I have seen gifted students’ frustrations manifested in numerous ways.  The two most popular are depression and the temper tantrum.  Yes, I still see temper tantrums in school-aged kids.  You would think an older child or young teen would be embarrassed to throw such a fit, but you would be ignoring the gifted child’s intense desire to be right, win, or be treated fairly.  In the gifted child, this drive is so strong that it trumps any civility he might have been taught. I can certainly identify with this one!  I sometimes do some pretty immature things when I am frustrated. 

   If temper tantrums occur at an older age, there are two possible triggers.  One is that someone is over-indulgent.  The tantrums have worked to get what the gifted person wants, so why stop?  The second trigger (which is my trigger) is blocked communication.  The person by whom the gifted person is being frustrated has blocked any effort to communicate his side, so the gifted person “strikes,” kind of like a snake backed in a corner.

   The problem is that people dealing with the frustrated gifted person often are just trying to help.  They do not see that they have blocked a grand plan or just tipped the scales of justice toward another or simply assumed they knew what the person was thinking or would want when in reality they were nowhere near.  If the gifted person is forced to remain in the relationship, say with a teacher or a boss, the continued inability to communicate can lead to tantrums and immature actions.

   Tantrums are an outward manifestation of the frustration.  More dangerous, in my opinion, is the inward manifestation of frustration:  depression.  Some gifted people decide it is of no use to fight.  They simply harbor all the pent-up frustration until they are so sad, nothing feels worth it.  Because of this danger, I actually prefer that my kids put up a fight.  Granted, I am teaching them to fight with their words instead of with a temper tantrum or immature acts (in spite of the fact that I still sometimes do those things!), but I am trying to get them to get it out there.  Often the other party doesn’t even know he’s frustrating them.  (Think Fortunato in The Cask of Amontillado.)

   The obvious advice to a gifted person when someone repeatedly frustrates him is to “stay away from that person.” What if that person is their teacher or a boss… or you?  “Staying away” is not the best advice for learning to work through it.  Confrontation until communication occurs is the only plausible answer.

   This is what the teens from Parkland High School are doing.  They are frustrated that gun violence cost their friends’ lives.  They cannot communicate with the government because they have no voting ability, and government officials often only act in ways that keep them in office.  Their only course for action?  Confront until that communication happens. 

   The next time you are dealing with someone who throws a fit or who gives up too easily, do a good examination of yourself.  There’s a chance you are being unfair or you are not listening.  Communication is a two-way street.  Don’t be the proverbial “brick wall.”

-          Michelle

            Frustration is almost a constant in today’s busy world…no matter what the job, the position, or the role one occupies.  Education is no exception.  In my early career, frustration was mostly present in our Special Education areas or our Title I programs for disadvantaged students.  Nothing frustrated more than not being able to “fix” a learning problem.  We spent countless hours writing individual educational plans (IEP) and meeting with all parties involved in the life of that child; however, often the results were still the same: not much progress was made.

            Today’s frustration is exponentially greater because it has added ADHD and drug addictions to the mix.  Video gaming addiction is also creating atmospheres of frustration among educators.  Now, at least here in Oklahoma, teacher salaries have stagnated for the past five years or so and have caused the threat of a teacher walkout next week.  Needless to say, that event will certainly add to everyone’s level of frustration.

            Personally, I mostly notice frustration when I can’t seem to “reach” a student in my efforts to increase his/her desire to learn.  It seems that desire to be successful in learning new concepts isn’t easy to pass on to others who don’t want to learn.  What do I do when I hit the proverbial “brick wall?”  I gather information from the field of psychology, motivational theory, teaching pedagogy and then, after reading all the latest research I can find, I pray.  Yes, I pray for wisdom and the right decisions in designing a learning path to reach the seemingly “unreachable” child.  Is this method successful?  Yes, and no.  As I have mentioned often in these articles, more than a dozen of my former students have met untimely deaths or horrible living situations.  For others, God has given me strategies that proved very successful.

            Perhaps the best guide I have found over the years is a book by Dr. Sylvia Rimm titled, Underachievement Syndrome (Causes and Cures).  Perhaps the list of student profiles in her book will give you a hint of its content.  The characters are: Hyperactive Harry, Passive Paul, Perfectionist Pearl, Jock Jack and Dramatic Dick, Taunted Terrance, Rebellious Rebecca, Bully Bob, Manipulative Mary, Adopted Annie, Sick Sam, Torn Tommy, Academic Alice, and Creative Chris.

            Dr. Rimm states, “All children, all people, achieve less than they are capable of some of the time.  It is only when underachievement becomes a habitual way of responding in school that it should become a serious concern.”  So, for parents of students in my school who feel their children can cause a great deal of frustration, I have a quick summary of these cases that may be helpful. Just ask me for it.  Everyone could learn a great deal about frustration through the reading of this book.  My copy is from 1988, but it might be found through Alibris or another book locator online.      

-          Kay

It’s a typical situation, you wake up late only to find that your children are already awake, and they are coloring on the walls with sharpies. You get yourself together and out the door, but you are still 30 minutes late to work. You walk in just in time for a meeting you are unprepared for and you notice that you have spilled some of your coffee on your shirt. You’re feeling frustrated. We’ve all been there. Whether it is a series of unfortunate events that ruins your day, or a colleague that is difficult to work with, none of us are strangers to the feeling.

It doesn’t matter as much where your frustration stems from as it does how you handle your frustration. The expression of frustration ranges from people who completely suppress or internalize their feelings to people who take out their frustrations on others in their lives. Neither of these extremes are appropriate or healthy behaviors.

We have to find a midpoint of acknowledging and dealing with our frustrations by giving them a healthy outlet. For some people, that outlet is exercise; others channel their frustration to motivate them to work harder to achieve their goals. By giving your frustration a healthy outlet, you can relieve some of the pressure of keeping these emotions bottled up inside of you.

Aside from identifying an outlet, it is important to communicate about your frustration with a confidant, or in some situations, the person from which the frustration stems. Venting to someone in your life who is a “neutral other” to the scenario that is frustrating to you is a good way to relieve the stressful feelings and talk through your feelings and actions.

Additionally, there are some situations in which it is appropriate to communicate with the source of your frustration. This doesn’t work in every situation; for example, it would not often be smart to communicate your frustrations about your boss to your boss. However, in situations such as friendships or relationships where both people are on an even playing field, it is healthy to communicate your frustrations in efforts to mend the relationship. Frustration will always be a part of our lives. We just have to find the best way to deal with it. Appropriately dealing with frustration and identifying a healthy outlet for frustration shows a lot of maturity in one’s life.

-          Bria

Overcompensating

Overcompensation is something that in practice can seem obnoxious or over the top, but also is very sad because overcompensation stems from feelings of inferiority. Generally, people who overcompensate are not my favorite people; they can come off as self-absorbed and egotistical. This behavior is dangerous because, not only does it serve to cover up insecurity, but it is also generally driven by the desire to be more powerful or better than others.

    The problem with overcompensation it that it can affect one’s psyche. Overcompensation acts as a defense mechanism. It keeps people from dealing with their issues. It’s basically a wall that people put up when they don’t want to face their own insecurities and shortcomings. While these people might seem confident and even egotistical on the outside, they are struggling, consciously or subconsciously, on the inside.

    It’s easy to get frustrated with people in our life who overcompensate. The coworker or fellow student who is always bragging about his accomplishments and putting others down to make himself feel good is definitely our least favorite colleague. Generally, we write these people off and avoid them if possible. This is not the correct reaction. It is not easy to show compassion to people who overcompensate, but it is these people that need our kindness and words of affirmation the most. They feel the need to brag about themselves and overcompensate because they aren’t receiving positive feedback from others in their lives.

    It isn’t easy to actively show kindness to these people in our lives, but by spreading positivity and good thoughts, less of these people will feel the need to overcompensate in the first place. Compliment others; be kind and caring. These people seem annoying, but they are really just hurting. Make an effort to be the bigger person and remember that in your daily lives.

-          Bria

     Quick!  Let’s make a list of all the words we can make derogatory simply by adding the prefix “over-“:  overeating, overindulging, overwhelming, overpowering, overestimating, overprescribing, overcommitting, overweight…  I could go on for awhile before hitting one word beginning with “over” that was not negative in nature.  Today’s topic is equally negative:  overcompensating.  Compensating involves focusing attention away from the things we’re not good at by excelling in another area.  Overcompensating is very similar in that it hides feelings of inferiority in an area.  But in the drive for excellence, there are also goals of striving for power, control, and even superiority over others. 

    Usually gifted kids will shy away from activities that make them feel inferior, so overcompensating is not usually an issue.  At our school, however, I make teens try again so that failure is not the last memory.  Some students succeed the second time; more often, they either sabotage their second offering so they can prove they are not good at it, or they overcompensate, which still causes a failure.  At that point, I use the teachable moment, and I let them move on to the next pursuit. 

    Ironically, the parents of gifted kids often overcompensate.  My theory is that this is because gifted kids do a really good job of making their parents feel guilty.  Guilty for working long hours, guilty for not keeping them in the latest technology and gadgets, guilty for making them attend regular school… you get the point.

   Parents of gifted, you can compensate for the slowness of the classroom your child has to endure or the inability to keep financial pace with the demand for newer technology without having to move into overcompensating. Compensating for the slow pace in school could be done through supplemental material and a tutor, educational pursuits after school or in camps, or a move to an accelerated private school.  Overcompensating would be paying for the grades because now they are going to “a harder school” or bringing your child a gift every time you had to work late. 

   Do not underestimate the mind of a gifted child.  I tell my school parents often not to argue with their gifted children; they’ll come away making monthly payments to their child for having put them through hell during the birthing process!  Your gifted child knows how to get what he wants, and he is more than willing to heap a dose of guilt onto your already horrible day to get it. 

   Compensating is part of being a parent.  Kids, I know you have lots of friends and you really enjoy your school, but Daddy’s job is requiring us to move to Kansas.  I know it seems like a bummer, but we are going to buy a house on ten acres, and we will put in a garden to raise some of our own vegetables and we are going to have chickens!   Compensating is instrumental in moving on.  Overcompensating means there is guilt involved.  Did Dad have to move to keep is job?  Then there should be no guilt involved.  When the kids ask if they can also fly their best friends up once a month, the answer “no” roles easily and guilt-freely off the lips. 

   I don’t know if it’s the influence of social media or all the talking heads offering their opinion on anything and everything, but I see a lot more parents overcompensating nowadays.  Examples:  I have to go get groceries and you have to come with me; overcompensation -> if you’re good, I will buy you a treat.  I have a big project due by Monday, and I will need every minute of the weekend to work on it.  I cannot go to your game; overcompensating -> I’ve hired someone to video tape it and you and I will go to Disneyland next weekend to make up for me missing your game in person. 

    What’s wrong with just expecting kids to know you have to run errands and that little ones cannot stay home alone, no matter how boring the shopping is?  Who decided parents must be at every event in which their kids participate?  I’ve got to tell you, parents, I have had secondary students beg me not to allow parents to accompany us.  It’s not that they don’t like their parents; they just want to be free to be goofy and hang out with their friends without Mom or Dad judging, correcting, or interfering. Your kids are playing the guilt card because they want a treat or Disneyland… or even just to see you writhe. 

   Lest you think I’m painting gifted children as beasts, let me clarify.  Gifted kids are great!  There are all sorts of positive traits I can list about gifted kids.  Smart would fall under “great” and under “dangerous,” though.  I can remember as a child arguing with my mother and being really cruel.  In my mind, I was thinking You’re being really mean.  You should stop.  Then I wouldn’t because... well, she was wrong, and I couldn’t let her get away with being wrong.  She had to understand that I was right, and until she did, I kept arguing.  Many of my students have identified with this very same thought-process.  Gifted kids don’t seek to be mean; it just happens in the process of proving a point!  Wow, my parents feel really guilty about having to work so hard.  It doesn’t really bother me; I like after care.  I can’t let them know that, though.  Maybe I’ll get an iPad out of this if I let the tears fall at just the right time.

  This wheeling-n-dealing” behavior will be advantageous when they are older.  Your job is to recognize when they are using it on you and teach them how to use their powers for good!  If you are providing a good home with plenty to eat and lots of parental encouragement and support, you have no reason to feel guilty.  Compensate, but don’t overcompensate.

-          Michelle

Overcompensation is something I am often guilty of doing where my family or our school is concerned.  My therapist-husband has helped me over the years to be aware of this tendency.  I believe it probably started when I was placed in the first gifted program in St. Louis in the fifth grade.  I was not aware of how poor my family was until I was mixed with rich students from better parts of the city as we were grouped together for the GT classes.  I also was not aware of how limiting my parents’ lack of even a high school education was for me until I mingled with students whose parents were degreed professionals.  And how did I handle all this?  I overcompensated!  No matter what the project or the task at hand, I had to work harder, longer, and “better” than the others to prove I was close to equal in that class.

            Then, as the administrator of a small school, I found myself overcompensating for my students because our small district couldn’t afford to field the many different sports and music programs of the larger districts.  Did all this overcompensating do good or harm?  Well, from my point of view, it caused me to achieve far beyond the norm for my profession and place in life.  I have garnered many awards and accolades which were nice and helped define success as an administrator.  However, the most meaningful rewards were the thanks and letters of appreciation I have received from families of past students.  However, my marriage almost ended twice…a price that I did not want to pay.  So, I have been helped by recognizing the effects of overcompensating, and then working to prevent it raising its ugly head again and again in my life.

            Just yesterday while working at school on a Saturday, I received a phone call that someone was racing an ATV all over our soccer field.  As I summoned the driver over to the school, I explained that he was on private property and we did not allow such use of the land.  He had a child (not more than 8 years old) in front, driving with him holding her in place.  As he left trying to explain to her that she didn’t do anything wrong, I started thinking about the situation.  Then that word “overcompensating” came to my mind.

            Why do parents let themselves be talked into buying city kids ATVs when they have no property upon which to ride them?  Here was a father trying to spend time with his daughter on Saturday, yet it wasn’t, in my opinion, the best choice of activities for a child her age, especially since he was doing it in an illegal manner.  I’ve seen many parents make equally questionable choices, overcompensating for having missed so much time with their children by letting them do “over-the-top” activities.  That’s when I decided we parents all need to listen to the song “The Cat’s in the Cradle,” and instead of overindulging our kids and overcompensating for lost time together, just do the right thing: spend precious moments talking with and enjoying our children in the things they are doing.   

-          Kay

I Blame Daylight Saving Time

Oops!  It's Monday, and I forgot to post yesterday!  We are currently on spring break, but I had fully planned to keep our posts going.  Kay was traveling back home from her trip; Bria had the day off, but we're here in Chicago with her.  Between DST and the travel, I guess we all just forgot!

I do want to brag on Bria, though.  My husband and I had the privilege of attending the one-year anniversary of mHub Chicago, Bria's workplace.  As event planner, she pulled off a fabulous day of celebration for 1600 people.  She handled all the logistics and food for the eight panels, two meals, 60,000+sq. ft. of event space, and fifteen hours of meeting, networking, and celebrating.  We are so very proud of her!

We'll be back with our regular blogs next Sunday.  Happy almost spring!

                                                                                 - Michelle

Power

In my last quarter of grad school, I took a class called, “Politics and Power in Organizations.” I chose this class partially because it sounded interesting, but mostly because it fit my schedule. I didn’t entirely know what to expect going into the course, but I ended up with a really interesting perspective on power.

Jeffrey Pfeffer was the author of our textbook, and his work laid the foundation for what we would learn in the class. Pfeffer defined power based on the ability to influence others. He believes that to get power, one must identify his goals, figure out who is important to achieving them, identify the power bases of other players and one’s own sources of power, and consider the tactics and strategies available to get what is wanted  . This is a very self-serving viewpoint of power, but it’s not entirely unrealistic. What Pfeffer is using is a traditional approach to power which is based on decision making, control of resources and ability to influence others.

There are other approaches to power that take into consideration “discourses of difference,” such as race, class, gender and sexuality that also affect power in both a macro and micro sense. These approaches acknowledge that there are forces at play in our society that affect our ability to obtain and enforce power. For instance, in many cultures, men are inherently given more power than women. We also see this occurrence between races and social classes. In that case, if you are born as one of the “have nots,” how do you go about obtaining power?

Pfeffer has a couple of tips for obtaining power that is not inherently bestowed upon you. He says, choose where you want to start- diagnose the power players, situation and location, don’t be afraid to stand out or break some rules, create your own resources, network and use social alliances, and act powerful. Being in an environment where I get to watch startup companies come together out of nowhere, and in some cases become very successful and influential, I believe there is a lot of merit to this kind of power. Looking at leaders that were born with power gives me no great feeling of pride. Hearing about influential people like J.K. Rowling and Oprah that had a troubled past, experienced failures, and pulled themselves up by the bootstraps, is 100% more inspirational. As your kids grow up, encourage them to become these kind of leaders. I believe that people who come by their power and influence through hard work and determination become the best leaders.

Right now we have people in power that did not earn their place. That is resulting in selfish acts an uninformed decisions. By teaching your children to work their way towards power and influence, you are giving them the opportunity to experience hardships and tribulations that will give them a depth of experience to pull from when making important decisions. This kind of leadership understands those beneath them, because they have been in those positions themselves. Not only will this make your child more genuine and authentic, but it will also give him compassion in his decisions and wisdom in his actions. To achieve this, you must let your child pursue power on his own and experience failure and success of his own merit. This will help your child become the kind of person you would want to work for.

                                                                                                                                -Bria

Power, I believe, is the reason behind the Bible verse, “The love of money is the root of all evil.”  The Golden Rule has often been misquoted as “Them who have the gold…rule!”  But rather than be a gag line for comedians, it does appear that money is the enabler for power-hungry despots.  It seems that one must be rich or have a rich backer to even consider running for the highest offices in our country.  And since the salaries and perks of government offices are often less than most executive level positions in the business world, it appears power may be the sought after “gold ring.”

                As a child, I noted the bullies in the TV shows were usually quite weak when separated from their gang members.  I always felt vindication and relief as I saw them suffer for the terror they inflicted upon others.  Unlike movies today, it was always the good guys who won and overcame the evil.  In fact, I can remember being upset when I viewed the first movie which caused me to see things through the eyes of the evil character…and even feel sorry for him.  It shook my foundations!

                Today, I see a plethora of power struggles all around me.  Our nation is divided in so many areas.  Yet, most all of these struggles boil down to good versus evil concepts.  Students in schools have been given amazing power which is often used to negate the goal of education itself.  Laws have been passed which have removed power from the educators who are desperately trying to teach.  The sad state it has brought about is a teacher shortage because not many people are willing to step into that arena. 

                I just received an e-mail from a friend who attached the address made to Congress by the father of a student who was killed in the Columbine School shooting.  Of course, there’s controversy over when this address was given, but if you read it, there’s much truth in it.  His name is Darrell Scott, if you’d like to read the accounts.  Basically, he states what I believe…prayer is powerful and it cannot be removed from our schools.  As long as I have breath and a brain, I can whisper a prayer to God and be heard.  No law, government, or individual can prevent that communication with God.  But the problem seems to be that many have given up prayer in their own lives.  Thus, they become powerless.

                “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” is the verse that helped me overcome the terrors in my life.  When I am working with students who have been abused, I can relate to them my story and how God gave me the power to succeed in all things.  God has never failed me.  So, I don’t sit around worrying about the daily power struggles of life.  Instead, I pray for my family, my students and teachers, our nation and those who would protect our freedoms.  There is POWER in prayer and I think most people realize that.  Why else do they ask for prayer immediately after they have been through a terrible tragedy?    

                                                                                       - Kay

    Wouldn’t it be convenient if we had a little bar in our peripheral vision that told us how much power we had… kind of like a video game?  As teachers, we seek to empower our students in an effort to get them ready for life.  When is too much power a problem, though?

    I, of course, know my answer for that.  A kid has too much power when parents and teachers are having to bribe or threaten him to get him to do something.  If the request is reasonable, bribing or threatening should not be required.

   Giving a child too much power starts early.  Allowing your toddler to decide where and when he sleeps, when and what he will eat, and whether or not the family can stay at a particular event seems crazy to my generation.  It seems to be the norm, however, nowadays.  When I am interviewing prospective students and their families, I am very careful not to allow students in who display too much power over their parents.  Truth be told, all kids struggle for power… as they should.  It’s in the struggle that kids grow and learn.  I just want the ones who earned their power, as opposed to those who demanded and “got” it.

   Probably the best way to illustrate what I mean is with an example. Your child should want the power to decide his off-school agenda.  He earns that privilege by choosing to get homework and chores out of the way first.  Because he was wise with his time, you grant the power to choose the rest of the evening’s agenda.  You don’t, however, let him close his door and surf the Internet all evening any more than you let him go out every evening with his friends.  With these poor decisions, he should experience a loss of power.

   Parents, you should not feel guilty that you require your child to sleep in his room in his bed.  It’s not wrong to require that your child eat the dinner you are making for the family.  You do not owe your child a reason for picking him up from daycare later than you thought you might.  And it is very right for you to expect your child’s room to be cleaned up when you ask.  After all, you’re paying the mortgage.  (There are exceptions to each of these; I am, of course, talking in general.)

   So many talking heads would have you believe that a child’s life should be stress-free.  Not only has there never been a stress-free childhood in the history of mankind, but to try to make it happen quintuples parent stress! On the contrary, stress is required to make a great adult.  As babies, we screamed when we were stressed.  I’m wet! I’m hungry! I’m sleepy!  When we became toddlers, we experienced stress to potty train and to learn what we could do and what we could not.  Stress continued throughout school:  learning to read, memorizing our basic facts, gaining friends, playing sports.  Sure, there are stressers that are bad:  bullies, stringent rules, peer pressure.  But, as we navigated through those stressers, we inevitably became stronger. And what did we do with that knowledge when we became adults?  Seek to make sure our kids never had any of the stress we did!  

     If our kids are going to turn out well, we have got to let them earn their power, just as we did.  Nothing is sadder to me than a kid who has everything and/or whose parents let him call the shots.  These are my whiniest students.  You’d think they’d be delighted, but they are not.  They’re missing the one thing they crave:  a challenge.  Everything is given to them; nothing is earned.  

   I am fond of telling my kids that I want them to “roar,” not “purr.”  Another phrase I often tell them is to live their lives out loud.  Both of these phrases encourage the child to express the power he has earned.  Life is challenging, but if they have been challenged all along by loving parents and teachers, no challenge in life will be too much for our children to handle.  

-       Michelle

Perfection

I believe that perfection is one of the hardest concepts to define. If you sit down ten strangers and ask them to describe what they would define as perfection, there might be some similar attributes, but you will likely get ten vastly different ideas of perfection. You can see this concept played out in whom we choose to become romantically involved with. Personal taste and preferences vary so much from person to person. Even if you take twins and look at the people they are interested in dating, one might like beards, while the other finds them repulsive.

On the other hand, I believe that the media is defining perfection for us. Think about the media’s portrayal of perfection. It is generally a very specific type of person with similar attributes, characteristics and habits. This is the kind of person that our media tells us that we should strive to be. I don’t even feel the need to describe this person because, whatever you are picturing in your head as you read this, it is probably exactly what I’m talking about.

So if we can agree that everyone has his own perception of perfection, and that the media defines perfection in our society, how do the two co-exist? I believe that most people acknowledge the media’s concept of perfection, but also realize that it is unrealistic. On a personal level, I believe that people define perfection as what would be perfect in their own lives. The media’s portrayal of a perfect person does not mesh well with everyone’s actual life, and therefore generally lives on as a fantasy and not a reality.

As adults, we can understand this idea, but it’s harder for young people to distinguish between the perfection that is realistic and the perfection that is fantasy. As we’ve talked about many times before, having an unachievable ideal to live up to can give our young people self-esteem issues. This one isn’t for the kids, I’ve told you all you are beautiful and wonderful as you are. This is for the parents. Please tell your children how great they are. Let them know that in your eyes, they are perfect. As we as a society become increasingly inundated in media and messaging that bombards us with ideals and standards, your children are going to be confused about the concept of perfection. It is at least partially your responsibility to make sure your child has a positive body image and feels good about him/herself as a person. Uplift your children and let them know that they are special and perfect to you.

-       Bria

Perfection is the gold standard today in entertainment, transportation, and now politics.  While it may be the sought-after standard, it has yet to be reality.  The perfection which is seen in entertainment is actually the result of many attempts which have been expertly edited.  The perfection of driverless vehicles seems to be a reality now, but it is yet to be proven what such a vehicle will do when an unpredictable event occurs.  Do I even need to mention the inane calls for perfection in our political figures? We have never had a perfect leader in our nation’s history…so why do we expect one now?

            In a school of gifted students, we have to be on guard for demands of perfection by parents, teachers, and even the students themselves.  Usually, gifted students are hardest to convince that it is not possible for one to be perfect in all areas of academics or the affective domain.  As I’ve noted in a previous article, our Asian students hated the “dreaded Asian ‘F’” which was an “A-“ …not acceptable to their parents.

            I think parents of students in sports sometimes push the hardest.  Many are living out their own dreams through their children’s accomplishments.  For some families, scholarships to college are the only path that can take their children to success.  So, the push gets stronger and stronger to perform at a level near perfection.  In academic, hours are spent studying for ACT and SAT tests until a score of 32 or better can be made.

            Yet, I hardly ever hear anyone talking about seeking perfection in forgiveness of others, loving the unlovely persons, caring for the needy, or bringing about peace in our own spheres of influence.  I don’t hear our politicians seeking perfection in giving our nation’s citizens our inalienable rights as stated in our constitution. 

            I note that Billy Graham, spiritual advisor to our nation’s leaders for many decades died this week at 99 years of age.  He truly sought to lead others to that “perfect” relationship with God.  Never did he take a detour from that mission.  He was respected by leaders and commoners the world over.  So, he is a noteworthy example to follow.  Another way to start our day with a proper viewpoint about “perfecting” life would be to read the prayer of St. Francis of Assisi.

                                                                                   Kay

The 2018 Winter Olympics in South Korea wrap up tonight.  I have thoroughly enjoyed coming home to the Olympics every evening for over two weeks.  I’ve added ice dancing and the half pipe to my list of favorites, but ice skating will always be my favorite in the winter games.  Unlike other athletes in the games, ice skaters sometimes know the “agony of defeat” a full two minutes before they are allowed to stop performing.  One missed jump can cost a medal… yet the show must go on.  I don’t know how they do it.

    I hadn’t really realized the pressure to be perfect until my husband and I were watching a story on the competition between Brian Boitono and Brian Orser in men’s skating and Katarina Witt and Debi Thomas in women’s skating in the 80’s.  Each were accredited with a perfect performance.  Perfect choice of song, perfect skate, perfect routine… just all around perfection.  

    This year, Russian women’s ice skater Evgenia Medvedeva was edged out by a younger Russian skater, Alina Zagitova.  They share the same coach, and Evgenia told her coach upon learning of her silver place that she did everything she possibly could do. I wondered at that moment if the skater wasn’t blaming the coach for giving a stronger routine to Alina.  

    People may throw around the phrase No one’s perfect, but I find humans possessed with perfection.  We want perfect politicians, perfect religious leaders, perfect athletes, perfect doctors, perfect police officers and perfect teachers.  When any of these make a mistake, the crowds are quick to judge.  Wouldn’t the world be a better place if we all demanded as much from ourselves as we do from those who choose to serve?

    Here’s a little secret, though:  those leaders very likely came from a group of students who are better described as “highly driven” rather than gifted.  These were the students who made A’s and B’s through sheer determination and hard work.  It didn’t come easily, but it did come!  For these kids, the illusion of perfection is oh so important.  If your child is one of this type of kids, please understand how incredibly crippling the thought of failing is to him or her.  It’s not rational, but it’s there.  When this child is not first to turn in his paper, he worries that he is failing.  When she gets a bad grade, she worries that everyone will know she’s not technically gifted and never have faith in her work again.  I’ve seen this need to be perfect cause really good kids to cheat, and I’ve received the desperate pleas for extra credit from those for whom a “B” is just not an option.  

     It is extremely important that we teach these kids that no one is perfect.  My kids have often heard me say, “I make mistakes all the time.  I’ve made three just this morning!”  We have to let our kids see that we make mistakes, and they need to see how we cope and move on.  

    It is fine to set a standard of excellence.  After all, perfection does win medals.  Perfection just cannot be the only goal.  If there’s no fun in the pursuit of the perfect performance, what’s the point?  Teach your children that we grow most when we aren’t perfect.

-       Michelle

Love

“Love makes the world go ‘round” according to a song that was popular when I was a lot younger.  Then during the first quarter of my fifty-four year marriage, I learned that “Love means never having to say ‘I’m sorry.’”  While both of these memorable sayings have stuck in my mind over the years, I have found them both to be myths.  Love is a very complicated emotion which can have various and often unpredictable outcomes in life.            It has often been pointed out that we have one word for love in the English language, which we freely use to describe our feelings about anything from our food and drinks to the emotional ties between people to our favorite pastimes.  Yet, other languages may have three or more different words for love, depending upon the situation.  So, we have been guilty of making it a very generic term while others have created distinctive terms to describe the emotions accurately.

            Much of what is done in life is blamed upon “love” as in, “I did it for you…because I love you.”  However, children I’ve taught over the years often saw many “acts of love” as guilt-driven remorse by their parents.  Some parents have been so overloaded with work duties and responsibilities that they try to make it up to their children by giving said children their hearts’ desires.  But is that love?  Let me give one classic example that happened long ago in our school.

            One of our students carried a one-foot square piece of rabbit skin fur with her every day to school.  She never laid it down, but always carried it and rubbed it on her cheek throughout the day.  I tried, to no avail, to get her to leave it behind or put it in a safe place during school.  I even tried to appeal to some shame since she was about fourth grade level.  She would have nothing to do with the suggestions.  Soon, I began to notice more and more students showing up with similar pieces of fur, which they proceeded to hold and rub against their faces. 

            Finally, one of my staff members told me she heard a clerk at a local store tell a customer, “I don’t know what they use it for, but it is quite the item…we can’t keep them in stock!”  That was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.  I confronted the students with my questions.  All of them said they bought them because so-and-so had one.  Then, they liked the way it felt.  At last, I asked the girl who started the fad.  “Sometimes, I just wish my parents would hug me.”  Then I knew it was a substitute for missing affectionate hugs from some very busy parents.  After that admission, my staff and I gave out hugs freely.  The rabbit furs all disappeared. 

            I haven’t thought about this incident since it happened.  Today, our students give and receive hugs all the time.  Parents who come into the school are also often met with three and four-year-olds who hug their legs and giggle with recognition.  (Yes, we watch and are very careful at all times.)  We have not taken the attitude of many schools which have a “no touch” policy in place.  We have a very family-like feeling in our school which warms the hearts of all… everyday… not just on a day like last week’s Valentine’s Day.  Hmm…when these students say, “I just love this school!”  I wonder if I should be dissecting that word for its actual meaning; or, should I just accept it and have a good day as I revel in it?!   

-          Kay

Well, we survived another Valentine's Day at Lawton Academy! Actually, we  in the secondary barely acknowledged it this year, as the state archery tournament was on Valentine’s Day. In years past, I have dealt with prank secret admirers, unrequited love, budding relationships, showers of affection from current couples, and declarations of “never going to fall in love.” I enjoy reminding those who do the latter of their protestations when they eventually do begin dating.

     Parents of gifted teens should be aware that their children have strong feelings about love. Many of my gifted boys desperately want a girlfriend, some even becoming suicidal in high school if they still haven’t found one. I am constantly encouraging my boys not  to become jaded when girls don’t understand how romantic they’re trying to be. Their wives are going to love this stuff!

    Gifted girls don’t pigeonhole as easily; I’ve seen it all. One thing common to both sexes when dealing with gifted is the desire to have one person with whom they can share everything. I often tell my kids that this is because, as gifted adults, they will be so overcommitted that they won’t have much time for many more friends than their spouses!  

    Dating has been interesting to watch. I have seen those not allowed to date, “sneak” relationships while at school, and I have seen parents push romances just to know that their kids can get dates. I find with gifted that it is best not to bring it up until they are questioning. Then a healthy discussion of the joys and pains of dating can include ways to protect from the pain and celebrate the joys. I have found that parents who give too much guidance suffer the same problems as those who give little to none.  Gifted teens like to be treated like adults, so don’t spare the details of “going too far.” Gifted usually can understand how their plans for life could be ruined in a spur of the moment decision.

    Because many gifted are very rule-driven, it is important that you teach your children love doesn’t always play by the rules. Sometimes we love someone deeply, and they don’t feel the same way.  We have to teach our kids to note the things they like about that person and add it to a list of attributes they ultimately want in a spouse.

    If you open dialogue with your gifted teen about dating and marriage, often you will get to offer an opinion on the one they want to marry without breaking your relationship. Always remember that, although gifted are stubborn, they are also smart. Treat them as thinking adults and they will be one!

-          Michelle

Love, in my opinion, is the most powerful emotion. It can overcome hardships and stress and it can be sustained for decades. This time of year it’s easy to talk about love we have for others in our lives. We often forget how important it is to love ourselves. In my experience, it’s much easier to love another person and forgive them for their mistakes and faults. It’s hard to give ourselves the same leniency.

As a whole, millennials seem to struggle with self and self-appreciation. Partially because we hold ourselves to a high standard and partially because the media depicts unrealistic standards, we judge ourselves harder than what is fair or necessary.

Many people believe that you cannot adequately love another person until you truly love yourself. Why are there so many people giving all of their love to those in their lives and not saving any for themselves?

It is incredibly important to show your loved ones how much you love them through acts of kindness and gifts, but at the end of the day, if you are not showing yourself that same love, it will affect your self-esteem and you are going to come off less confident.

So how do we learn to love ourselves? Here are a few easy steps to practice self-love. Affirmations are incredibly important to your own self-love and confidence. Look in the mirror in the morning and say three things you like about yourself. I know this sounds like a daunting task, but the more you do it, the easier it will become. This will help you notice you have a really great smile, or beautiful eyes. Beyond the physical, make sure to point out things you like about your personality.

Next, practice self-love by not allowing others to treat you less kindly than you should be treated. Don’t accept a bad relationship because you think you can’t do better. Don’t let your friends bully you into things that make you uncomfortable. Another step to self-love is making people in your life treat you how you should be treated. Stay humble, but don’t let people push you around because you have low self-esteem.

During this season of love remember that the love you show yourself is just as important as the love you show the special people in your life. By ensuring that you love yourself and being kind to yourself, you will be able to love those in your life more deeply and genuinely. Achieving self-love is a journey that takes work and time. You will have to work each day to maintain self-love and let it grow within you. Making this a priority will improve several areas of your life. What are you doing today to show yourself how much you love you?

-          Bria

Experience

     As I write this, my husband and I just finished watching Only the Brave, the movie detailing the events surrounding the death of the Granite Mountain Hotshots - the nineteen elite firefighters who died in the Yarnell Hill Fire in 2013.  The first half of the movie is the firefighters seeking to prove they have the experience to become “hotshots.”  Once they do, the superintendent has enough experience to see that they are in imminent danger, but there is no escape path.  It’s a truly heartbreaking recount.

    Earlier in the day, I took the final two high school students who needed to qualify for speech regionals to competition.  Both were suffering from extreme anxiety about speaking publicly.  Oddly enough, both had experienced success in previous years in public speaking events.  

   Experience is a funny thing.  Fresh college graduates hear again and again, “We want someone with a little more experience,” and they wonder how they will ever get that experience if they cannot get the job.  

   I don’t have a definitive answer on how to get that experience, but I do know that gifted kids need to be exposed to a multitude of experiences.  While colleges like to see a potential student stay with one experience for an extended period of time, they are equally happy about the student who has been involved in many activities.  Your gifted child fits that bill.

   Several times during my son’s high school years, I offered him the chance to go back to public school.  His answer was always that he could not be involved in as many activities there as he could at our school.  He and Bria did everything.  Band and vocal music, student council, class officers, honor society, art, speech, cooking, robotics, drama, dancing, foreign language… if we offered it, they were involved!  I so see where those experiences have made them outstanding in their chosen fields.

   The really cool thing about gifted kids is that they are usually really good at juggling multiple activities and at doing them well.  I used to worry that my students would not be able to pull it all together for our end-of-the-year musicals, but not one group of gifted kids in the last fifteen years has let me down.  

   As the parents of gifted kids, please give your children as many experiences as you can.  Let them try it all… within reason, of course.  After all, you become the financier and the chauffeur for all these experiences.  You can only do so much!  I hear parents worry about their kids become overcommitted.  The only kids I’ve seen let responsibilities fall by the wayside are the ones allowed access to their video game consoles and devices without limit.

   I believe I have more-than stated my disdain for the experiences the Internet affords.  I will never be a fan of “virtually” experiencing life.  I do not understand how children can be allowed to have their faces glued to a screen non-stop.  Heck, some are even encouraged to while traveling with their parents.  These same parents wonder why their now-driving-teens cannot find their way out of a box.  They’ve never looked up, Mom and Dad.  

   Every experience is an investment.  Don’t let a device become the pacifier for your young child, don’t allow your teen to retreat to his room every evening till bed, and don’t model either of these behaviors for your children.  Their lack of experience will be their downfalls.  Those of you exposing your children to travel and new foods and activities and conversation:  keep up the great work!  Our school is designed for your children, and we gladly come along beside you in offering your child truly great experiences!

-       Michelle

Experience is the best teacher…at least that’s what I’ve been told all my life.  I also remember the countless times I heard my mother say that I always had to learn by experience.  That comment was usually made after a very humiliating experience helped me set better parameters for my behavior.  I especially remember being “double dog dared” by my friends to see if I could jump over a four foot-high hedge that lined our front yard.  Well, one of my feet did clear it!  The result was two sprained wrists which had to be bandaged for a week or so.  What made it more humiliating than ever was that it happened the day before I took my tests screening me for the gifted program for St. Louis Public Schools.  I had to draw and write during those tests!  I also had to answer the tester’s question, “Why did you try that?”

            I’ve seen advertisements showing people using virtual reality headgear on TV.  I ask myself, “Is that really experiencing the situation?”  I know that I could practice my piano pieces in college on a make-believe keyboard (desktop) when it wasn’t possible to get to the practice hall.  However, I think that depended more upon muscle/motor memory.  Would it have been as effective had I not had the original experience of feeling the keyboard?

            I listen to my students talk with such authority about what they can do based upon their video game experiences and their 3-D devices.  Yet, I am alarmed at how little self-control they come to school with in the realm of physical activities encompassing both fine and large motor skills.  We have even had to give remediation in tricycle riding, stair climbing, sliding down slides, and picking up and throwing objects of various shapes and sizes.  In the past, we usually only had to teach ball catching, skipping, and balance activities as well as tumbling and rolling.  Tying shoe laces has become a non-issue since parents have discovered Velcro.  What will happen if their child ever needs to tie a life-saving knot?  Kids whose parents won’t give in to the Velcro solution just walk around with laces dragging along behind them.

            Perhaps it is because the “virtual experience” is so life like, these students have very little perseverance for attaining skills that aren’t automatic.  In fact, developing such skills as writing, coloring, math operations, and ordering things in the environment is taking more and more time.  I can understand why less academic learning may be taking place across the nation if more time is being spent teaching students skills that children used to have when they first came to school.

            Is it due to less time spent outside in the real world?  Could it be from overly-protective parents who can’t bear for their child to experience any sort of pain or frustration?  Has our nation, on the recommendations first made by Ralph Nadar, sanitized and bubble-wrapped every experience of life so our offspring will not “learn by experience?”  It seems to me that we are doing a great disservice to our young children.

            Two pictures in our local newspaper really gave me pause.  Listed as examples of students learning and experiencing STEM activities (the current educational buzz word for gaining more funds), fourth grade students were stacking blocks and cups!  Those were once considered learning centers in our pre-school and kindergarten programs.  I certainly hope the educators in charge extended the activities to envelop thinking skills such as having a goal in mind and having to design and redesign the product to meet the goal.  (Example: building a marble track of various shapes, sizes and levels which would allow a marble to reach the end in a certain time, and reworking it until the goal was met.)

            Kay

Experience is an interesting topic because it’s so important but also so subjective. I recently hired an intern, so I have a fresh perspective on experience. In the end, I had two great candidates for the position, but I only had budget for one intern. Looking at their resumes, both students had vastly different experience levels.

 Going into the interviews, there was a clear front runner in my mind. I interviewed both on the same day with two hours in between the interviews. The first one that I interviewed was the candidate that I was less impressed with on paper. I talked to her for 30 minutes and was blown away with her motivation, passion and eagerness to learn. It was clear that she had done her research on the organization and on myself, and where her past work had not shown a lot of relevant experience, it painted a picture of a person who was willing to put in the hard work to do a job right.

My next candidate arrived on time for her interview and we sat down to chat about her experience. On paper, this girl was everything I was looking for in an intern. She had worked in events previously with a diverse portfolio of several different types of events. She was also interested in the industry as a whole for a future career. Immediately after my first interview, I thought this girl would make my decision very difficult. That wasn’t necessarily the case. She was polar opposite to my first interview. Quiet, reserved and somewhat uninterested in what we as an organization were doing. As we got more into her work experience she was more outspoken and inspired, but overall her personality wasn’t what I was looking for.

This left me with a tough decision, because I knew the first girl would require more training, but I also knew how important it was for me to get along with this person since we would be spending several months working together. Ultimately, I chose the first candidate. She followed up with a lovely thank you email that talked about why she was excited about the position and the organization and thanked me for the opportunity. This was when I knew I made the right decision.

When looking for a job, experience is important, but what generally outshines your experience is your personality and your willingness to learn and grow. Looking back, I do not believe I was qualified for the position I currently have. My organization took a chance on me because they knew I was extremely driven. Initially, my work felt a little bit like a trial by fire, but now one year later, I have built the entire program and have started to add to my team.

If I had to give one piece of advice to students looking for admittance in college, internships or jobs, it would be, don’t obsess over your experience. Get your foot in the door and show them that you are willing to put in the work to be successful. Ultimately this will go a lot further than your background on paper.

-       Bria