Loyalty is a two-way street, right? Not necessarily. Parents of gifted pre-teens/teens know that, when mad, their children can say and do some awful things. I remember as a sixth grader calling my mother names and yelling at her. I was very awful. I remember thinking “I know this is really mean, but she’s wrong, and it’s more important to be right than to be nice.” Fortunately, God smacked me down by sending me to a large school not knowing a soul. I got a lot quieter!
I’ve asked students every year if they sometimes have the same reasoning in their heads – the “more important to be right” thing. They have all acknowledged that they have. So, I want you to hear me, Parents of Gifted Children: you must be loyal to your kids regardless of what they say or do as a young teen. The intense need to be right is difficult to overcome. You can argue with them and punish them; just don’t give up on them. They do love you. It may not sound like it, but I guarantee that they do. They just want to win the argument. The desire is as strong as the feeling that we’ve failed when we’re not the first ones to turn a paper in. I cannot explain it, but it’s real.
As future leaders, I’ve asked my kids to think about the loyalty they want to inspire in those who follow them. I try to model leadership that demands much from my students but also values their opinions and input. I want them to meet high standards and make our program even better with their suggestions. Even so, this time of year, several abandon our school for bigger schools with more programs but weaker academics. It’s very hard not to believe that they are being disloyal. They are not, though. They are exploring and experiencing. We might have done the same. We cannot take it personally.
As a parent, you may feel that your kids are not remaining loyal to you – to the family. You have to remember that they are gong to launch (hopefully!) at some point. The closer they get to that launch, the more they are going to spread the wings of their own ideas and try them out. After all, who wants to jump out of the nest without having ever tried the wings a bit first?
That “wing-spreading” may involve some activities of which you do not approve, but I know very few adults who don’t have a coming-of-age tale to spin. If you don’t drive them away by micro-managing, your kids will remain loyal to you. My children and I don’t agree on everything, just as my parents and I do not. Yet, we are all loyal to each other. There is not a one who would not stand for another in times of hardship. Loyalty breeds loyalty – whether you are the follower or the leader.
- Michelle