Attitude

“The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life. Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failure, than successes, than giftedness of skill. It will make or break a company...a church...a home. The remarkable thing is we have a choice everyday regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past...we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude. I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our attitudes.”

-Charles R. Swindoll

I remember as a 7th grader reciting this pledge in front of my parents and peers as I was inducted into my school’s honor society. In the years after, I would read the pledge to new inductees as the President of Honor Society. At the time I remember these words falling over me as a serious commitment to improving my attitude towards life. Now, looking back on this pledge, I realize that I have long forgotten the pledge I took almost a decade ago.

As I reflect on this pledge now, I realize that what Chuck Swindoll is asking of people is very challenging. He is asking everyone to mindfully choose to have a good attitude going into each day. The problem is, very few of us have a high level of attitude awareness. Furthermore many people experience habitual bad attitudes caused by stress, low self-esteem, fear, anger, or many other causes. Regardless of these challenges, we know that attitude is incredibly important. Countless studies detail how attitude is a vital part of success. So how do we consciously decide to have a good attitude when all of these factors affect our ability to make this decision?

One way to start choosing to have a better attitude is to rid your life of negativity. All of the factors that influence habitual bad attitude are influenced by negativity. Reducing or eliminating these factors in your life can make room for positivity. Another way to create a positive attitude is to start your day right. I don’t know about you,  but my day typically starts with a whirlwind. I’m rushing to get ready, the dog is freaking out because I’m leaving, the train runs with delays and, no matter how early I leave, I always feel like I’m running behind. This is how I start my day, and it sets the mood for for the rest of the day. Days that start with a warm drink and a calm dog are much better and typically those days stay positive. Starting out your day with something that makes you happy can help your mood throughout the whole day. Lastly, practice self care to improve your attitude. Self care can reduce stress and improve your attitude. These practices might include exercise, napping, going to the spa, or anything else that makes you happy and improves your mental/physical well being.

An article published in the Huffington Post in August talks about the importance of attitude for success. One of the points that is made in the article is that attitude is infectious. If you are able to maintain a positive attitude, those around will be positively affected. It also says that people with good attitudes can maximize their performance at work leading to an experience of a higher level of success. Overall, there is proof that a good attitude will positively affect a person’s productivity and success. To achieve this success, we must be mindful of our attitudes and be strategic about maintaining a positive attitude. Going back to the quote that began this post, Chuck Swindoll says we are in charge of our attitudes. This does not necessarily mean that we can choose to have a good attitude, but we can choose to make changes to our lives that will give us a better attitude.

-        Bria

It’s a subtle difference, but one worth noting.  I’ve always been taught that attitude is the way you think and feel about someone or something, and that feeling affects your behavior.  The definition that comes up when I Google it, however, is:  a settled way of thinking or feeling about someone or something, typically one that is reflected in a person's behavior.  Settled.  Wow.  That’s final.  Guess we better make sure the chosen attitude is a good one!

Being a teacher, I deal with attitudes daily.  There’s the attitude of those coming to work – faculty and students.  There’s the attitude of parents toward the teachers, and vice versa.  There’s the attitude of students.  As principal, I’m fixing attitudes throughout the day.  My own children have taught me to adopt new attitudes toward numerous facets of life.

I looked up synonyms of attitude, and here’s what I found:  view, viewpoint, outlook, perspective, stance, standpoint, position, inclination, temper, orientation, approach, reaction. The first eleven synonyms all have to do with the way we see something… our unique interpretation of what we see.  The last one, however, deals with the actions we attach to what we see.  The idea that an attitude is settled is mind-boggling to me.  The implication is either that we compromised (settled for) or that we’ve put the issue to bed… gotten comfortable in our easy chair… become set in our ways.  The ways of the world change by the moment.  Who can become settled?

I warn my high school students not to include absolutes in their writing.  “College professors hate absolutes,” I stress (which, ironically, is an absolute statement!).  If an attitude is a settled way of thinking or feeling, is that not the establishment of an absolute in one’s life?

I work with a great group of secondary students.  They accomplish more than I ever even knew was possible when I was their age.  I am constantly amazed at their “can-do” attitudes.  They will be the movers and shakers of the next generation of the work force.  That being said, I never cease to be surprised when I hear one mention the positive attitude he/she “puts on” for school.  I am equally surprised to find out that the positive attitude comes “off” when he/she leaves this environment. 

I have been called an “eternal optimist.”  The truth is that I will always find the way in which God is working in my life… even if things are bad.  I wholeheartedly believe He is in control of my life (an absolute I happily welcome).  If I have developed a wrong attitude, He convicts me to fix it. How can I transfer this confidence to my students without proselytizing?  My only choice is by example.

Our high school honor society uses Charles Swindoll’s poem “Attitude” as our pledge.  It ends with this:

 We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.  And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

In the end, it is up to each of us to choose our attitudes.  All I ask is that you don’t just “settle.”

-        Michelle

     Attitude is everything…or so I’ve heard it said.  I certainly agree that one’s attitude flavors events positively or negatively – much like salt flavors food.  The media has played a significant role in shaping the general attitudes of Americans.  In fact, the different decades of offspring now have names describing their attitudes.  During my late teens, we had the flower children; today, we have the “me” generation.

     My church has taught me to see the difference between “joy” and “happiness,” quoting scriptures that teach that joy is lasting in spite of circumstances, while happiness depends upon the current happenings.  I do know that as I age, I find more joy in my life as I spend more time concerned with relationships rather than pursuing things.

    I remember training teachers in workshops and telling them that little children don’t come to school wanting to fail.  Yet, during my career I’ve met many students who seem to be bent on following such a self-destructive path.  Why?  The answer to that question is certainly elusive.  Perhaps it is that they have no self-control. 

    My husband, Jim, who is trained in clinical hypnosis, recently coined a new phrase: “digital hypnosis” to describe the tech experience in which today’s children indulge themselves.  Everything is fast-paced, short-term experiencing- without much transfer into long term memory.  (At least that’s “my” understanding of what Jim means.)

    The human brain can remember seven (plus or minus two) bits of information.  Thus, we group bits of information for easy transfer into long term memory.  For example, we do this to phone numbers, social security numbers, etc.  Technology is on a “J” curve – expanding experiences at exponential rates.  Thus, children say that they’ve experienced many things (by way of technology), but they haven’t really experienced the event with all of their senses. Yes, I am aware of current research which is seeking to provide these sensual experiences along with the audio and visual experience.  Perhaps the number of video excursions available to our children is one reason so many say they are now “bored” and have nothing to do.

    My attitude, as a WWII baby, has been to drag my feet on technology breakthroughs.  I have seventeen-year-old computers which still work fine for me. (I do have a Mac Book, too!)  But I must change my attitude in order to be “relevant” to my students who bring a new world into my first grade classroom.  This fact was driven home last week when I sought to show my students a science video about rocks and minerals.  As the video began, one student spoke out to the others who were in agreement: “Oh, this is computer-generated animation with voice-over in some places.”  As for me, I just wanted to introduce them to the rock cycle in nature!

-        Kay

Boundaries

I guess the first thing I should do is give you my definition of boundaries so that my blog will make sense.  When I speak of boundaries in my life, I am referring to the lines I “try not to cross.”  These are all self-imposed and all relate to better health – physically and mentally – in my opinion.  For instance, with the exception of an occasional school event, I do not work on Friday evenings.  As soon as I am done at school, I walk out without any homework.  My evening will most likely involve a movie, whether at the theater or at home.  I also give myself a break on my Weight Watchers plan.  On Friday evenings, there is no such thing as points.

My parents taught me at a very young age that there is no “land of done.”  Work that is there today will still be there tomorrow.  That sounds like procrastination, but you have to understand that my family members work 80-hour weeks almost every week.  We wear many hats, and there will always be something else that needs doing.  It is for that reason that I made boundaries.  Otherwise, I would be consumed by work. 

The pendulum of education enlightenment is beginning to sway back toward the benefit of giving kids more frequent breaks.  Eagle Mountain Elementary in Fort Worth, Texas, recently made the news because they have begun offering four fifteen-minute recesses a day with their kindergarten and first graders.  Yay!  I once taught in a school in Texas in which no one but PK and K got even one recess under the guise that there was too much to teach to offer breaks. What?! I am happy to report that the kids at Lawton Academy have received three recesses a day in elementary and two in secondary since our inception sixteen years ago.  We see the value of instructing kids in social settings… especially gifted kids who don’t always see the benefit to being nice and playing fair.

I see changes happening in business as well.  The Internet is full of stories of four-day work weeks actually raising productivity.  I think these companies have set some really good boundaries for their employees, and consequently they have happier employees. 

So, how do we transfer this practice into working with or parenting gifted kids?

For the gifted person, boundaries must be chosen, not dictated.  When potential students tour my school, I point out all the fun things we do that are documented with pictures in one hall in the school.  I don’t want them leaving thinking only that the school is hard.  “We work hard, yes.  But we play hard, too!”  Then I quickly point out that the “playing hard” is only available to those who “work hard.” 

It’s important to note that gifted folk are kings and queens of procrastination… for no other reason than that we can be successful when just winging it most of the time.  Letting gifted kids set boundaries for themselves is a dangerous proposal.  Some set the bar way too low so they don’t have to give much effort.  Others, burdened with perfectionism or just such a competitive nature that they must be the best in everything, make the bar unreachable.  The trick is to set a range from within which the gifted child may set his/her boundaries.  For instance, acknowledge the need for a break after school and let your child choose during which hour-and-a-half that evening, he/she will do homework.  Have consequences ready for failure to stick to that plan. If the child knows the consequences beforehand, and she feels she will not be able to meet the boundary parameters, she can renegotiate.  If, instead, she simply fails to honor the agreement, she has chosen the consequences and has no one to blame but herself. 

Allowing a child to experience this kind of decision-making process under your guidance can create an adult who knows how to budget time and benefit from taking those much-needed breaks. 

-        Michelle

          Boundaries…to some it’s a four letter word.  To most people, it has negative connotations.  Yet, if we really think about it in depth, we realize boundaries are necessary to an orderly life.  I like the set of T-shirts that I’ve seen which explain it this way: “I’m the oldest – I make the rules; I’m the middle – I’m the reason we had rules; I’m the youngest – the rules don’t apply to me; and I’m the only child – what are rules?”

            It seems in today’s educational world that researchers are discovering that we often take rules or boundaries to the extreme level.  I cannot, for the life of me, figure out who decided that one recess period per school day was all children needed, or that secondary students needed no recess time at all.  The same teachers who enforce those rules also gripe if they don’t get planning time or a break in their day.

            We still allow three recess periods for elementary children, and breaks for all secondary students.  I love watching the secondary students walk around our school circular drive (one-sixth of a mile) talking with their friends.  I learn a lot about application of concepts taught in class as I watch the elementary children play.  When I started Lawton Academy, I brought the car-shaped frame of my grandson’s outgrown bed to the school.  Over these seventeen years, I’ve watched it serve as a plane, a race track, a stagecoach, and a dangerous canyon, the rim of which children walked with great care.

            Now, I see that researchers are recommending activity before the school day begins.  It seems it helps students focus better in class.  That’s an observation I made long ago.  We call it flooding the brain with blood…ready to take on the day!  I also hated watching students at neighboring schools have to sit quietly in the gym and wait for the morning bell to ring.  Some schools even forbade children from arriving on the grounds earlier than 10 minutes before the bell.  All this may seem trivial to others, but I remember reading the writings of an abused child who said, “I wanted to get to school early.  It was the only place I felt safe.” 

            Yes, I get frustrated with parents who set no boundaries for their children - especially in Wal-Mart! But, let’s not be reactionary in the field of education by setting too many boundaries.  A few, sensible rules necessary for safety, are all that should be needed.  The more rules one has, the more time is spent enforcing and making judgments as to their severity.

            One other aspect of this boundary concept comes to my mind.  We must set some boundaries for ourselves in order to find time for refreshing our spirit.  If I try to fix every little problem when it comes my way, I will not have time to fix the truly urgent matters.  Or, I will be too tired to try to fix them.  There is a reason God said for us to work six days and rest on the seventh.  Although I have not been able to always set aside a complete day for rest, I am getting better at giving myself some rest time before the new week of school begins.  I think I am much better for it.    

                                             - Kay

To say that I am overcommitted would be an understatement. I come from a long line of people that take on way more than a normal workload. Right now I work full time, I am taking more classes than a full time graduate student, I volunteer, I'm in a relationship, I'm raising a puppy, I'm in a 12-week training course with that puppy, and I’m trying to maintain some semblance of a social life. This has been a huge challenge for me, and the only thing keeping me sane is my google calendar that is synced with my to do list.

I've never been good at setting boundaries. I'm a “yes man,” never wanting to hurt anyone’s feelings or step on anyone’s toes. This is a huge problem that I am dealing with, but I'm not alone. Many adults find it challenging to say the word that comes so easily to toddlers. When you think of young children, the most prominent word in their vocabulary is “no.” What happens between childhood and adulthood that makes that word a dirty word? Most of the time if I absolutely have to say no to someone, instead of saying no, I come up with a ridiculous excuse.

I recently read a study that said that people can thank Millennials for their loss of vacation time. There is an increasing pressure to perform at a higher standard and this pressure is making people over commit, giving up their vacation time to appear driven. No one wins in this situation. There is a popular commercial for Twix running right now that showcases the left Twix and right Twix competition. In the ad, left Twix’s factory workers are working late into the night because they see that the factory workers at right Twix’s factory are still working. Eventually we find out that the right Twix workers are doing the same thing and they are stuck in a cycle of trying to outwork the other factory.

This behavior is unhealthy, but it is becoming the new normal. People feel like they need to work 70 hour work weeks to stay ahead. Vacations are necessary and it is important to take breaks. Last year, more than 55% of Americans did not take all of their available vacation days. The problem with this is that Americans already receive less vacation time than other countries, so Americans are working way more than necessary. I don’t want my life to look like this. I want to be successful without having to work my life away, but unfortunately that doesn’t seem like an option. Boundaries between work life and personal life have blurred, and people now take their work life home with them. Americans need to reevaluate their relationship with breaks. Once we change our attitude towards taking breaks and setting boundaries, we can begin to become less stressed as a nation.

-          Bria

Legacy

Ray Bradbury, author of Fahrenheit 451, described the idea of legacy by saying,

Everyone must leave behind something when he dies, my grandfather said.      A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes     made. Or a garden planted. Something your hand touched some way so your soul has somewhere to go when you die, and when people look at that tree or that flower you planted, you’re there. It doesn’t matter what you do, he said, so long as you change something from the way it was before you touched it into something that’s like you after you take your hands away. The difference between the man who just cuts lawns and a real gardener is in the touching, he said. The lawn cutter might just as well not have been there at all; the gardener will be there a lifetime.

I think the way Ray Bradbury discussed the topic of legacy is so profound and beautiful. But it is also flawed. This definition suggests that, to leave a legacy, one must create a tangible difference to which people can look to see that person’s spirit after he is gone. While creation can be one form of legacy, I believe the concept of legacy goes beyond what can be seen to include values and principles passed down from generation to generation.

In today’s world I believe there is a lot of pressure to do something that will make you memorable. Everyone is looking for the change he can make that will cause future generations to remember his name. A lot of the times people believe that there has to be a physical thing that people can view or touch or experience, when legacies could also be conceptual. These legacies could be more concrete like a theory or law, or more abstract like a feeling or a set of values.

Last week, we lost my great-grandmother. This was the second great-grandmother that I was able to know well during my lifetime. Both women left a legacy behind that continues to influence the way in which I conduct myself. This is what I want for my life. While I would love to leave behind a tangible representation of my existence, it is more important to me to leave a legacy of love and kindness. I want people to be inspired by my life and to continue my legacy of giving back to the nonprofit community and trying to better the world. I want people to think that I was a good person. Because, as we know, legacies are not always a positive thing. If I can do my part to leave this world at least slightly better than I found it, I will think that my life was very successful.

So what steps can I take to ensure a legacy of good deeds and love for all mankind? Well, first I need to make sure that that is how I am living my life currently.  A legacy does not come from the way in which you conduct yourself in your final moments; it is built of a lifetime. I also must make sure that I am spreading this message to those with whom I come in contact because I will not be here after I die to share my legacy. Lastly, I must continuously learn and grow in the area in which I work. Working with nonprofits, you either remain continuously inspired by the good work around you, or you become numb to the hardships that still exist in this world. Every day I have to make a choice to choose hope and to believe that things can be better. All of this will help me establish the kind of legacy I want to leave behind.

-        Bria

    Legacy...will it matter that I have lived?  What an awesome question.  My mother passed away last week at 98 years of age.  According to the funeral sermon, she left a legacy of always calling people’s attention to religion.  She did so by introducing herself to everyone: “Hello.  I am Frances Owens and I am a Baptist!”  No matter how one received it, the statement did cause a person to wonder why that was so important to mention.

    We laughed at the memories shared by family about “Frannie” over the years.  It caused me to realize how I am a product of the times in which I have lived.  My legacy for others will be a  product of the times through which I lived.  Let me give you some examples.

    I was born in the 40’s and learned how to live with food and gas rationing for the war effort.  To this day, I hate to waste anything.  I will fix and repair rather than throw away.  I fume inside when salesmen tell me to “just throw away your year old camera because it costs more to fix than replace.”  My students and I use pencils and crayons to the bitter last inch hoping to save trees if nothing else!

    From the 50s I learned about the comfort of home and the safe viewing of Howdy Doody and friends.  To this day I teach students the seasons of the year as per Princess Summer-Fall-Winter-Spring, the daughter of Chief Thunder Thud  of the show.

    The 60s brought me into the reality of war, peace demonstrations, and the Jesus movement.  It was the Jesus movement that led me to working with young people in a life-changing way.  It was the space race that taught me to emphasize a love for science and exploration with my students.

    The 70s and 80s taught me to develop a good sense of style and taste...and to “not be the first to adopt a fad, nor the last to give it up!”  I learned that governments are not perfect, but are the products of the morals of the people holding the offices.  Thus, I teach students to watch, listen, and learn from the world events around them.  I teach them to measure things according to a reliable standard...and to not just be reactionary to that which displeases them.

    The 90s brought the pain of war into my life again.  I watched my son-in-law say goodbye to his wife and baby son the night he boarded a plane for the Gulf war. I was in disbelief as I heard the news of the invasion of Kuwait by Iraq...and now I was watching my son-in-law go into battle for the people of Kuwait.  Today, I am teaching four young students from Kuwait whose parents are here in training.

We were in a state of shock from the attack on the Twin Towers; a sight I watched on live TV with my young students asking me “Why is this happening?”  My school days began from  that moment on with prayer for our country and our young soldiers.  

Now, in 2016, I am faced with division in our country...politically, ethically, economically, and religiously. I am still teaching students every day.  Now, I ask myself before each day of class, “Will it matter that Kay F. Johnson lived?  I certainly hope so!!

·        Kay

In a span of eight days, my oldest child got married and the last of the fourth generation of my family passed away.  At the funeral as I learned new details of my 98-year-old grandmother’s life  (like the fact that she was a drill press operator for much of her adult life), I couldn’t help but think of how her life influenced mine.  What she accomplished lives on because it influenced her progeny – a group to which I happily belong!

     Examining her legacy, I am forced to examine the legacy I am leaving my children.  I do odd things for the sake of memory.  For instance, I have worn Obsession perfume all of my adult life.  Why?  Because I read a book once in which the protagonist would go into the local five-and-dime to smell one of the detergents that reminded her of the way her deceased mother always had smelled.  I decided then and there that there would be one fragrance that would remind my children of me should I die.  But memories are not legacy.  Legacy is technically money or property that is passed on when I die.  Sorry, kids.  My legacy there probably will only be debt! 

     For those who wax poetic, though, legacy has come to mean the “ground” we gain during our life time… the possibilities we make happen that make future possibilities an option for our kids.  So, what is my legacy for my kids?  Well, I would definitely have to say it is education. 

     I have taught only one person to read, and that was my daughter while homeschooling.  Coolest process ever!  I was homeschooling because my son needed an option to a standardized test-heavy schooling.  Later, both kids were able to go to the school my family owns, and both very heavily influenced how I developed the secondary program.  Because I took risks, neither was forced to choose one area of concentration for electives, but instead could explore all.  Justin’s art, music, and technology interests definitely led to choosing The School of the Art Institute in Chicago for college and eventually to his job as a maker.  Bria’s time spent as CEO of the robotics team and specifically being a member of the marketing team led directly to her choice of majoring in public relations. 

    I think we have to stop and consider what we’re leaving for our children.  Will your kids see that you opened doors for them, or have you been a major roadblock?  I hope my kids see possibility.

   My son and my new daughter-in-law return from their honeymoon today.  I am so excited to watch the blending of two families' legacies in this one couple.  The doors are open, Kids.  Happy legacy building!

-        Michelle

Launching

“Launching” is a pretty broad topic!  It immediately sets my mind to remembering many experiences, both pleasant and unpleasant.  Probably the most pertinent ones to this blog would be the student beginning their first year of school.  I especially recall one who insisted on crying and crawling under a classroom table until his mother, who was watching in horror from the hallway, burst into the room to rescue him.  This little scene played out again and again each day until I convinced the mother to just leave and trust us to do best by the child.  He survived!

Most often, these same children, who act a complete tragedy scene before school each day, begin laughing and joining their friends as soon as the parent is out of sight.  I’ve watched this scene repeated every year of my long career.  Those of us who have been around for many years recognize this as just part of the first “launch,” and not truly “separation anxiety” every time.  By labeling it as if it is abnormal, parents who “rescue” are actually causing their kids to have no reason to launch.  I especially see this scene with older parents.  It would be interesting to see a study done on differences in parenting styles based upon the age of the parents.

Conversely, a real tragedy I see today is the “launching” of students who are not prepared for life.  I know of a young man suffering with autism who was recently thrown out of his home because he turned 17, even though he hadn’t completed school yet.  He was living in a field near our church.  Thank goodness our youth minister came to his aide.

My life experiences have been greatly affected because I dared to believe that “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me,” as stated in the Bible.  There are many promises therein that have guided me and led me to a life of success.  One of these promises is “Trust God and lean not unto your own understanding, and He will crown your every effort with success.”  Some people may not consider this possible.  I’ll just share a few examples with you as proof.

I had no finances for college… until the day before I was to enter.  Suddenly funds were provided by a relative who never gave a cent to anyone.  I began a teaching career without one course in education.  (I took courses at night while I taught during the days.)  I became an administrator (principal and superintendent) long before the certifications came.  I was elected state president of the Oklahoma Association for Gifted, Creative and Talented the very year I joined the association!  That presidency allowed me to work with the legislature in getting our law providing GT education passed.  And finally, I was able to establish a private GT school without any government help or funding eighteen years ago, and now daily I get to address the unique needs of gifted children.  My most fun proof, however:  I successfully coached a city champs basketball team of girls two years running, winning coach of the year one of those, without ever having played a game of basketball in my life. I always tell kids that you can do anything if you can read!

Yes, I was launching in many directions.  My father was always on the road as a truck driver, and my mother pretty much let me “fix” things in his place.  Maybe that was one reason I was willing to take so many risks in my life.  “With God, all things are possible.”  I guess my point is that kids will launch, one way or another.  Parents can help make that launch smooth or fight it tooth-and-nail, but kids will launch… eventually.

-        Kay

I often feel like I’m on an “opposing team” when it comes to parents of high schoolers.  All the while they are desperately clinging to their soon-to-be-adult teen, I am pushing the teen out of the nest!   We’ve had nine senior classes at Lawton Academy, and I have made a study of what causes students to successfully “launch” into adult life and what keeps them from launching.

The first factor for success seems to be the presence of a goal.  When I gain a student whose parents brought him to our school to better his chances of reaching that goal, I know success is ahead.  I am very cautious when parents include “protection from the influences in public education” or “more structured environment” as reasons to send their kids here.  Not always, but often those parents are more interested in control than opportunity.

The trick to goal-setting leading to successful launching lies in who’s doing the goal-setting.  If a parent makes available a wide range of opportunities, discusses strengths and the job possibilities for those strengths, and gives the teen a vision of the future (say by visiting college campuses while on a family vacation, for instance), he is going to create a goal-oriented teen.

A second equally-important factor is empowerment.  If I had a dime for every time I’ve heard, “It’s just easier to do it myself.” Who said parenting was supposed to be easy?!  An empowered teen can do his own laundry, order online, and maintain a checking account.  Doing these things while still under parental supervision allows correction while the teen will still listen.  The parent who does everything for the teen, to include constantly rescuing, is crippling the teen and, often, insuring that he will never leave the nest (which, I’m sad to say, has at times actually been the parental goal).

It is the parents’ responsibility to teach their teen how to budget, how to maintain service on a car, how to deal with the financial aid office at his college, how to balance an internship with classes and social clubs.  We may have to listen to some spirited “venting” as they learn the ropes of bureaucracy, but they will have learned them nonetheless.

The next factor I see in successful launchers is confidence.  In a world of teens who feel entitled, I am amazed at how many feel like they don’t have much to offer the world.  I think I’ve narrowed much of the blame to the Internet.  I think they look at teens on the Internet who are doing phenomenal acts at a pre-college age, and they can’t see how they can compete with that.  I have to constantly remind students that these are a handful of teens out of millions.  There’s plenty of room for more phenomenal teens! 

Confidence comes at an early age.  The confident child has a parent who is her champion… her advocate.  Yes, teens make boneheaded moves sometimes, but nothing destroys confidence like the feeling that the teen is always wrong.  Ironically, that teen will launch; she’ll just never come back home once she’s “escaped.”

The final factor necessary for a successful launch is purpose… a reason why.  I make it a point to tell students why they’re doing a particular lesson.  I wanted to know why when I was a teen.  I quit reading books for my own pleasure in eighth grade.  It was my form of protest because my teachers were making me read books for their classes.  I was going to “show them,” and I, in fact, did not pick up another book to read for pleasure until my second year of teaching!  The joke was on me, as God made me a literature teacher!  Do I require that kids read books?  You bet!  But I tell them why.  I tell them of increased vocabulary and expanding experiences and such.  When kids see that the end goal is in their best interest, they tend to work to achieve it. 

Beyond purpose of tasks, an overall purpose for existence is required.  Students of faith tend to launch more successfully.  Those students have a source of strength, of wisdom, of comfort, of protection, and of direction beyond their parents.  For instance, as a Christian, I know that God is directing my life and from Jeremiah 29:11, I know that He has a plan for me, a plan to prosper and not to harm me, but to give me a hope.  I literally cannot get discouraged because I believe that wherever I am, I am right where He wants me!

At 50, I find myself on the other side of “empty nest syndrome.”  I can tell you that I struggled for a little bit.  It’s amazing how much time you have on your hands when you’re not constantly attentive to your kids’ needs!  It didn’t take long, though, to embrace my new role with my adult children.  How exciting it has been to watch them gain employment, rent new apartments, embrace charitable opportunities, and find love.  We’ve begun the next chapter, and it’s just as much fun as the previous one!

-        Michelle

Go with me on a journey back to the year 2006. It was a simpler time: Hannah Montana had just premiered on Disney Channel, Pluto lost its planetary status, and skinny jeans were the newest trend. That same year Matthew McConaughey and Sarah Jessica Parker co-starred in a movie that’s title would later inspire the name of a syndrome plaguing America’s young adults. The movie was called Failure to Launch, and it featured a 30-something McConaughey still living at home with his parents. Eventually, his parents hire Sarah Jessica Parker to help get their son to move out.

The tagline of this movie was, “To leave the nest, some men just need a little push.” At the time, this romantic comedy shook up the character troupe of the creepy adult son living in his parent’s basement by having the son be seemingly normal and desirable.  The reason this movie was funny was because the idea was so abnormal. Now, a decade later, young adults are taking a page out of McConaughey’s book and living with their parents long after they reach adulthood.

According to a study from May of this year, for the first time in 130 years, more young adults (18-34) are living with their parents than with a partner. 32% of Americans between the ages 18-34 are still living at home with their parents. The study also found that men are more likely to be living at home than women. So basically, it seems that boys in this country went to see this movie with their parents in 2006, and when they grew up, they decided that McConaughey had the right idea.

All of this has resulted in articles in the Huffington Post entitled, “Failure to Launch Syndrome: What You Need to Know to Help Your Dependent Adult Child.” Articles like this talk about how to make the transition easier for your child, but really it just sounds like a lot of enabling to me. I never had the idea that it was an option for me to live at home forever. If your child thinks he can live at home into his 30’s, it’s because you allowed this to be an option. Yes, that sounds harsh, but someone has to take the blame for this problem. There isn’t an increased desire to live at home; there is an increase in parents allowing this type of behavior. If children have had a comfortable life at home, why would they ever want to move out?

Being independent is hard and uncomfortable and sometimes you have to decide if it is more important to buy bread or soap. Who would choose that life if they could stay at home and have everything paid for? There has to come a time when the parent pushes the child out of the nest. For some, this transition comes when the child leaves for college. But now students are living at home to save money, which is fine. For some people that makes the most sense. The problem occurs when parents don’t draw the line with their children. At some point the parents have to say enough is enough and stop crippling their children. Yes, it will be hard on the child initially to move out, but the longer it is delayed, the harder time the child will have adjusting to adult life. Parents think that they are helping their child by allowing him to live with them, but the best thing they can do for their child is to force him to start his independent life.

-        Bria

Big Doings this Weekend!

This weekend:

                 Michelle's getting a new daughter-in-law.

                 Bria's getting a new sister-in-law.

                 And Kay's getting a new-granddaughter-in-law.

                Welcome to the family, Carson!  Congratulations, Justin & Carson!  We love you!

                (We'll write a regular post next weekend...)

Failure

“Only those who dare to fail greatly can ever achieve greatly.” -Robert F. Kennedy

I have always had a tough relationship with failure. Early on I knew only that failure was bad, but not that failure was necessary. Many people my age would say that they have a fear of failure. With the job market the way it is, and the increasing standards and expectations, there is a lot of pressure on people to succeed.

Throughout my life I have seen a lot of success along with a lot of failure and it has all played an integral part in making me the person I am today. Each time I failed, I was devastated. I couldn’t see beyond the fact that I wanted so badly to succeed in the situation and it just didn’t happen for me.

I don't want to sit here and spell out all of my failures to you; that would take too long. I'll just say that I have experienced a lot of failure in my short life. At the time I could never see how it was beneficial for me, but looking back I am happy to have those experiences. If I had succeeded in some areas, it would not have pushed me to dream bigger and try harder. My failures have pushed me to keep trying and in a lot of instances, what I achieved post-failure was much greater than what I wanted to achieve in the first place.

I also believe that my failures have shaped me into a stronger person. I don't think that I would be prepared for the life I have now if I hadn’t experienced failures in my life. Every day I face challenges that I might not have been equipped to face without my past experiences. Now, I still face hardships and failures, but I know that I will eventually succeed and I will be better off for having experienced it.

                                                                    - Bria

I love the first book my seventh graders read each year:  Lois Lowry’s The Giver.  It’s the students’ first foray into controversial subjects, this one being the inherent fallacies in trying to produce a utopian society.  Up to this point in their lives, they have been champions of fairness.  So I show them a place where everything is “fair” – a.k.a. the same – so that no one has to suffer the pain associated with wrong choices.  It’s not long before kids are explaining to me why they need to be allowed to experience failure.  It’s not me they need to convince, though.

            My most successful students had failure as an option.  You might say to me All students have failure as an option, and you’d be partially correct.  Failure is a possibility for all, but not an option.  Sometimes the limitations on allowing failure are self-imposed.  Before coming to a school for the gifted, many of my students experienced a kind of stardom in their regular classrooms.  Now that they are among a school of “stars,” the shining is less frequent.  Oh, the tears not being number one can bring!  I have to remind them that I am not here for them to show me what they already know.  I’m here to teach, and if they master everything quickly, I’m just going to find new material that they don’t know.  A student becomes successful in this program when he learns that a failure can push him to try harder the next time, but it will never bring him shame if he learns from it.

            Sometimes the limitations come from parents.  Much to my own children’s chagrins, I don’t hesitate to share some of their failures when conferencing with parents.  I want them to see that my kids were responsible for the good choices after that failure… my kids made their futures a possibility by learning from their mistakes.  In my experience, the parent who controls too tightly cripples the teen.  Sure, it was painful to watch my kids make bad choices.  I was there, though, with them through the consequences and definitely through the analyzation for future similar situations.  Some of their decisions seemed like absolutely the opposite of what I would do, but I always looked at their intentions.  If the intentions were good, I found ways to support the intentions if I couldn’t support the action.

            Occasionally, prospective clients to the school will chastise me for our lack of uniforms, the fact that we still have a candy store at school, taking field trips all over the country, allowing teens to listen to their music while taking tests, letting the kids take all the electives, having game systems available for recess… having a recess in secondary school.   Anywhere I vary from the public school template of secondary education, I find a critic.  I assure my kids that I will fight the good fight for them as long as they are responsible with the freedoms I’ve given them.  It’s my personal belief that it is better for the kids to make a choice that leads to a failure while they are still in secondary school where their parents and I can help them make better decisions than it is to let those first failures come in college or the adult life.  Who’s going to guide them then?  If a teen buys three candy bars a day every day for a month, knowing he has a fitness test coming up, and then vomits when running the mile, that’s a great opportunity to have the teen explore what might be causing the nausea.  I’d rather they experiment with their relationship with food here than to have them go to college and try to live on Mountain Dew and ramen.    

            So, I guess my point is:  don’t cause your child to fear failure.  Instead, tell her that she will experience failures, but she is in a safe place to do that.  Failures do not make her a loser.  In fact, learning from those failures makes her a fighter. 

-        Michelle

The first time I heard the term “helicopter parent,” I was both taken back by the concept and overwhelmed by an epiphany!  “Fear of failure” is probably the most prevalent problem with which I deal in our school full of gifted students.

            Students in our school usually have a history of winning, especially in board games played with family members. When they come to our school, where most of the students have experienced the same winning streak, they are overwhelmed by the knowledge that they won’t always win. We teach them to learn from their failures and plan for success the next time. This is no easy task. We have to overcome many emotional outbursts. After all, gifted people tend to avoid anything at which they might fail.  Even our students from the eastern countries of the world joke about an “Asian F” – that being an “ A-.”

            Our society has created the “helicopter parent” syndrome. Hiding behind the veil of social media network, people often send messages that are outright cruel! Any parent would want to protect his children. But we have seen this protection taken to an extreme. All children receive trophies, plaques and ribbons just for participation in sports, performances and contests. Thus, I have seen children even demand a trophy when none was slated to be awarded.

            No one wants to fail; no child goes to school seeking to become a failure. Yet, there are many students who often seem to self-destruct. I finally figured out why one of my brightest boys always did poorly on his achievement test. His parents so controlled his life that he chose to fail his tests because they couldn’t be there to control that area also. He found the ultimate “gotcha!” The fear of failure can be a motivating force for anyone. The danger lies in letting it control our lives.

            Once again, common sense seems to be lacking. We allow people to perform in front of audiences even though the performance is painful to watch. It’s a national pass time to laugh at ridiculous performances and replay them for others’ entertainment. How sad!

            It is my opinion that all things should have an expected standard and parents and educators should teach students to meet those standards. Goal-setting seems to be a lost art! We have standards set for consumer products, food preparation, and many other things. Why don’t we set standards for students? Oh yes, not everyone agrees with me and the talk shows are full of diverse answers.  Common Core Curriculum caused a near riot nation-wide!  People did not want to be “commanded” about what to teach.

            So, I’ve done my part by opening a private school where we do have standards for students to meet. We teach goal-setting and learning from our failures. And, every morning before school, I pray for the students in our nation as a whole.  In our school, we work with parents in allowing their children to experience failure when it seems apparent that is the only way the child will learn to take and accept responsibility.  We work with both parent and child to set goals, develop a plan of operation, and allow improvements to erase previous failures.  Such intervention strategies are done on a case-by-case basis.  No one shoe fits everyone!

-        Kay

Discipline

Self-discipline is difficult to teach, but easy to inspire in children under the right conditions. I think back to my time in junior high and high school, and I was incredibly driven because I had a firm foundation of discipline.

This was not always the case for me. I remember in 4th and 5th grade, choosing to not read my books until the last minute, and then frantically flipping through pages the morning of, finishing maybe half of the reading and then taking the test. Eventually I had to learn that this would not work out for me.

My parents did a great job of identifying my brother’s and my interests early on and exploring them with us. For Justin, initially it was the military, so we went to West Point. For me, it wasn’t so clear cut. I knew I wanted to be the leader, and my parents worked hard to provide me with examples of great leadership. They also encouraged me to take on leadership positions at school. Because they exposed me to what it would take to reach my goals early on, I had a dream towards which to work and a clear idea of what I needed to do to reach it.

I'm not saying that a child should identify his career before junior high, but I do believe that identifying the child’s dreams and communicating the stakes of meeting those dreams will in turn instill a drive and an aspect of self-discipline that might not have previously existed.

All throughout high school we toured colleges, we competed, we were exposed to real life challenges, and it made me hungry for the life of a career woman. Once I had this idea in my head about what I wanted to be and how I could get there, I wasn’t going to let anything get in my way. My parents didn’t make this decision for me, but they opened the door for me to be able to make this decision for myself. They exposed me to many situations that some parents might not have, but it made me want to do whatever I could do to be successful. Now, as I begin my adult life, working in downtown Chicago, I'm still working towards the dream I had as a high school student touring colleges and experiencing vast opportunities. I will always credit those early experiences for the work ethic I have now.

-        Bria

Discipline...the very word causes my flesh to tingle!  Why?  Parents in schools expect excellent discipline in classrooms, but they can’t even agree between spouses just what “excellent discipline” methods are!  That’s the very reason students play one parent against the other - usually bypassing the harder disciplinarian and going straight to the “easy mark,” as I’ve heard one student say.

    There’s an old adage that “one teaches as they were taught themselves.”  I’m glad that isn’t reality.  My mother made me go break the branch off a neighbor’s peach tree to bring to her when I broke rules - then she spanked me with it.  Yes, it hurt...it left small welts (for a while), but no...the authorities were not called.  Did I learn a lesson?  Yes!  Behave!

    Today I hear parents trying to be their child’s friend, rather than maintaining their parental role.  In that role, they allow major decisions to be made by the child...decisions that are often life-changing.  This is shocking since the child does not yet have the discernment to weigh the possible outcomes.

    I still have a letter written to me by a former student who really “told me off” for “riding his case.”  When he gave me the note after class, I acknowledged its content, including the foul language.  However, I still made him follow the rules.  Yet, later when he was in high school across town, he showed up in my classroom one day.  I asked him why he wasn’t in school. He told me that another boy with a knife was after him to hurt him over a girl he liked.  I asked why he came to me.  He said, “I didn’t know where else I could go.  I need your help.”  So, I helped.

    I’ve often thought about that incident.  His mother related to me just recently that he always spoke about me.  I believe he knew I followed rules (unless they defied common sense as some do today) and thus, I could be counted upon to help him do what was right.

    So I ask, why are parents surprised when their children who’ve been “in charge” make seriously poor choices, fail to launch, and take sometimes fatal risks?  Hmmm, I wonder.

Parents and schools should promote rules that are positively safety-based.  Then they should hold children “accountable” for failure to obey those rules.  Helicopter parenting, knee-jerk reactions, and allowing the child to be in control all hinder discipline. Children make choices, and they have to be taught which ones are right and which ones are wrong.

-        Kay

Anyone who has worked with me in my “principal” role will tell you that my favorite quote stems from an adaptation of a quote by Henry Cloud.  I say, “A person will not change a behavior until that behavior becomes uncomfortable.”  Then I go on to help the parent know how to reach “uncomfortable”!  This week’s topic is “discipline.”  My daughter’s blog absolutely nailed it on the head as to how to cultivate self-disciplined kids.  I will not repeat, but instead only add that the most successful graduates of our school – the ones who have truly done something great with their lives – are the ones who were self-disciplined… who had their own goals.

    So, how do you as a parent get your child to the “self-disciplined” point?  There are three key components, as far as I see it.  The first is modeling.  Self-disciplined parents raise self-disciplined kids.  That doesn’t mean, I never had to spank my son or put my daughter on time-out, because I did.  It means that my husband and I shared our failures, the self-disciplining we did, and then the later successes with our children.  We told them that learning was a life-long process, and while no one expects you to be perfect from the get-go, they do expect you to be fixing things along the way.  Failures were not things to be hidden; they were ways to show our kids that trying is what mattered.

   The second component is, of course, making sure that the undesirable behavior has an undesirable consequence. Parents, every kid can “wait out” a lecture.  It’s easy… because they’re not listening.  It’s important that you as the parent identify undesirable behaviors before they occur.  Go ahead and assign a punishment for those anticipated behaviors ahead of time as well.  Then when your child chooses to do the undesirable behavior, he/she chooses to accept the punishment that goes with it.  This method takes you out of the equation completely because the child made the decision, not you.  This is what society does.  When I speed, I know what the consequence is if I get caught.  I am not surprised to receive a ticket; I chose that consequence when I decided to break the law. 

   The final component is consistency.  Parents will tell me of trying “this” and trying “that,” but a key ingredient to a discipline working is making sure it’s a consequence every time.  The students at my school are gifted.  They can wait out any parent.  If they know that the parent is only going to follow through on a threat once, they will simply wait until the parent forgets, or do the behavior at a time that they know the parent will be too tired to follow through.  My students have even bragged about letting the parents “reason” with them and acting like they really “learned their lesson.”  Many can cry on demand!

    Pick your discipline and stick to it for a bit.  If you have been consistent and the behavior persists, than you may have not chosen an undesirable consequence, so make the punishment stiffer.  If the punishment is already stiff, and your child persists, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate your rule.  Usually, if a child is willing to accept punishment, there’s a good chance your rule is faulty.

     I’m not trying to come off like some guru of discipline.  Believe me, I work on self-discipline 24/7!  A friend once told me that no one could be harder on me than me!  This is just some of what I’ve used when helping parents along my journey.  I hope you find it helpful as well!

-        Michelle 

Why We Do What We Do

Why would anyone want to teach nowadays?  Bright-eyed education graduates are greeted with large classes, low support, and so many administrative directives that they barely have time to teach.  I have two reoccurring nightmares:  one is that I have to go back to college, and the other is that I’m back teaching in public schools. 

    Both of these nightmares are rooted in a single truth:  I hate school.  Oh, I love the social parts, of course!  But the actual classroom time?  Bor-ing.  When I figured out that I was fated to be a teacher, I determined that learning in my classroom would never be a drudgery.  I’ve grown much since then, and I realize that there are many educational processes that cannot escape being boring.  But when they are sandwiched between thought-provoking and challenging lessons and enveloped in a room that excites, that “bor-ing” gets upgraded to a “stimulating.”

   I spent fourteen years teaching in public schools, and I had many great mentors and fellow teachers.  I’d work with most again in a heartbeat!  But I have to be honest and say that I was desperately seeking something more satisfying.  So, when I got the opportunity to work at my parents’ newly-opened private school for gifted and talented, I jumped at the chance.  Because it is incorporated as a business rather than a non-profit or parochial school, there are opportunities to do things unheard of in public education. 

  For instance, as the Chief Operating Officer, I perform the duties that a principal would in the public school; however, I teach all day as well.  My teaching ranges from secondary literature, English and speech to PK 3 – 12th music to chess club.  I am both the secondary students’ activities director and the person who washes their lunch trays!

  The best move my parents made, though, was to not accept any government funding.  This limits what the government can do at our school, and thereby frees us to do what we’re supposed to do:  teach.  It’s amazing how much getting rid of government bureaucracy can improve school.  Our kids know that the better they look, the better we look.  They understand that we are here to make them the most desirable candidates for both college and their future jobs.

   I’m sure there are those reading this now who are saying, “Ahhh. We know why she does what she does.  Money.”  Ideally, school as a business should be a great money-maker.  Lawton Academy, though, has yet to turn more than the profit required to stay open as a business.  My daughter working as an intern is making about the same thing I am making in my job!  Our lack of profit isn’t because we are not successful, though.  We just keep funneling the money back into the school.  (A visit to our website would reveal that we provide all supplies and a free lunch to all students at a very low tuition rate.)

  What’s our angle?  Why do we do this?  At the heart of it for me is this:  I believe it is my mission.  I now know that my disinterest in school is common to gifted students.  Granted, I am on about the lowest rung of the gifted ladder, but I channel all those memories and the way I needed everything to be relevant to real life into teaching these gifted kids.   I show them where they’ll use it, and I make sure not to waste their time, all the while reminding them not to waste mine. 

  There’s a little blue sign hanging in the entry way of our elementary building.  It says,

                        Tell the children I love them.

                                -  God

  In His infinite love, He has given us the chance to learn some of the greatest wonders of His universe, and I get to be one of the people who helps kids explore them.  Too cool!

-        Michelle